The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence: When Empathy Becomes Manipathy
Emotional intelligence (EQ) can be a superpower, enabling individuals to navigate the intricacies of human interactions with grace and empathy. However, like any superpower, it has a dark side - one that I am often discussing with my coaching clients and Chicago Mastermind Group members.
Let’s explore a few aspects of the dark side of EQ.
The "Manipathy" Phenomenon: Imagine this: You're in a heated argument with your coworker or boss, and they suddenly start empathizing with your point of view. Sounds great, right? Not always. Some individuals with high EQ use their emotional prowess to manipulate people, appearing sympathetic when they're actually withholding a personal agenda.
The Curse of Overanalysis: Emotionally intelligent individuals often find themselves overanalyzing themselves and others. This relentless quest for hidden emotions can cause analysis paralysis, preventing them from making decisions with confidence.
The Perfectionist Pitfall: High EQ can lead to an unrealistic pursuit of perfection in relationships. These individuals strive to always say the right thing, offer unconditional support, and do their best to not let emotions get the better of them. However, this quest for perfection can be exhausting, both for them and those around them.
As a manager, this can cause frustration with your team, as they may interpret your behavior as indecisive and/or inauthentic.
The Emotional Echo Chamber: Emotionally intelligent individuals are often drawn to like-minded people who appreciate their ability to understand and connect with them. While this may seem ideal, it can create an echo chamber of emotions where differing viewpoints are seldom heard. It's like surrounding yourself with mirrors that only reflect your own emotions back at you, which might be comforting but lacks the diversity of perspective.
Emotional Burnout: Imagine being the go-to person for everyone's emotional crises - a human version of 911. People with high emotional intelligence can be susceptible to emotional burnout because they're constantly helping others navigate their feelings.
I encourage my coaching clients to adopt a mindset of being emotionally responsive, instead of responsible. This allows them to empathize with their team’s struggles, without internalizing their pain.
At Chicago Mastermind Group, there are a few practices members engage in to protect themselves from the dark side of EQ.
Awareness and Self-Reflection: Understanding the potential pitfalls of emotional intelligence can encourage group members to reflect on their own behaviors and tendencies.
Within the group, members hear from their peers how they are being perceived. Doing so helps them deepen their self-awareness and examine the ways in which they might be misusing EQ.
Conflict Resolution: Recognizing that emotional intelligence can sometimes be used for manipulation or perfectionism can aid in addressing conflicts within our group. Members are encouraged to identify when they believe another person is attempting to manipulate the group dynamics. Once this is acknowledged, the group seeks out a resolution.
Preventing Burnout: Members regularly encourage each other to engage in self-care habits that strengthen their mind, body, and spirit.
Challenge the leader: I encourage members of my group to challenge my leadership on a regular basis. I believe this helps them feel more trusting of me and further strengthens the group’s cohesion. Additionally, my responses to their challenges is useful modeling for them to integrate into their professional roles.
As you can see, the key to protecting yourself from the dark side of EQ is to strike a balance between emotional awareness and avoiding the pitfalls. With enough intentionality, support, and accountability, you can use EQ to you and your team’s benefit!